Being Mardy

Oh My Lord !! How things have progressed since my last suicidal offerings !?

I am back in Brighton, England. No longer in the Merry old Land Of Oz, but now acclimatised to the fact that something extraordinary can come from the ordinary - if one can only have the courage to reach out for new possibilities.

Back in my lovely little house. Feeling that after over a whole year away, I can accomplish anything. I have no furniture to sit on (sold when we rented out the house) and am sleeping on a blow up bed. I have not worked for nearly 4 months now - not through a lack of applying for jobs I can tell you ! - but I sense that life can only get better, that at nearly 33 years of age I am not out of the game yet.

I have started writing again - oh those fabulous juices are so revitalising when they flow freely, but soul destroying when they stagnate. I am experiencing reading. mixing with new people, taking exercise, enjoying the taste of my food (and drink !), singing to music on the radio, laughing at nothing, having spontaneous sex, taking risks - feeling alive !!

I am dabbling with The Tarot again. Building confidence. Most significantly, I have a new job starting in July - working for an Airline as Cabin Crew Member !! Am SO nervous - anticipating the intense training, the jolt of coming out of Lethargy Mode, the new exciting challenges that lay ahead - the exotic destinations, the new experiences and people I have yet to encounter !!

 I am thinking “Is this really MY life ?” I have a loving boyfriend, a nice (well it will be when i get round to furnishing it) home, my health, a new job, my creativity, my friends and family. I have A LOT to be thankful for. So If the power that IS is reading this THANK YOU !?

My advice to anyone who is stuck in a rut, is unhappy with their lot or feels sorry for themselves is :

Dont blame others for where you are in life - take responsibilty

Make yourself happy - no one can do it for you

Listen to yourself - be your own best friend

Believe in Karma - what goes around WILL come around

Choose NOT to mix with negative people - you are better off alone

Count your blessings - we ALL have something to be grateful for

Ask yourself ’What do I Want out of Life?’ - then tell yourself HOW you are going to work towards it

It’s not WHAT you know, but WHO you know, that gets you places - so be NICE to EVERYONE

Never be afraid to ask for help. Never be afraid to help others.

Most importantly - be YOURSELF - and always strive to be the best person you can be  

 well that concludes my sermon for today ! Sorry if it seems condescending - at this point in my life I feel blessed and wanted to share this - so I hope somebody will be able to relate to where i have been, where i’m going and where i’m coming from !! Good luck to you all in whatever you do. Love and Light. Clinty x x

just spent an hour tapping away how upside-down everything was and how nothing is going according to plan at the moment when, guess what?, this pissing farting crapping blog thing decided there was a ‘PAGE ERROR’ upon pressing the ‘publish’ key !!!???

well briefly then - bored - agitated - hungry - watchin tv - Simpsons AGAIN (which I can’t stand) - Australian sunset - Partner, D, getting pissed - mobile goes (not mine) - offer of interview in May with Qantas in UK - me thinking about visa expiring in April - thought we were gonna figure out a way to stay in Oz - now look like that picture ‘The Scream’ - all back up in the air again - now gonna get pissed too and say ‘Bollocks’ to Blog.com 

though you may have seen me out

lost in the crowd and having fun

you shouldnt believe the masquerade

without you im just a lonely one

Tis xmas day today - hence the lovely eye popping red&green - have spent the morning in our unit (in Perth, Western Australia )drinking Champagne, eating salmon filled croissants and opening presents from home. My thoughtful friend Alison sent me a brilliant calendar of Brighton, England and it sent me into a spin. Home. Perhaps it was the booze that sent the sentamentality level shooting off the scale. But I realise that all the sun in the world can not make up for being where one belongs. My mum sent me (and at great expense, postage&packaging-wise ) The new Harry Potter book, CK underwear, a whole shelf full of toiletries, face-packs, smellies, cremes along with christmas crackers, xmas tablecloths, napkins, balloons, glitter, a tree etc I am always of the opinion that my mum spends too much at christmas - it urks me because I really should be thinking ‘oh that it lovely, and SO appreciated’ instead of feeling guilty somehow.

And now the agonizing wait by the phones - trying to take into account the time difference - wondering who will be first (if any) to call - whether I should ring first - wondering what the etiquette is.

Sod it ! Am off to the beach !! It’s 27 degrees today and am not going to mope about any longer inside. Next year I shall be trying to think of ways to build a time machine that will transport me back to this moment - so i SHOULD make the most of it whilst i can

MERRY CHRISTMAS & HAPPY NEW YEAR BLOGGERS !!!???.

UP WOLF CREEK WITHOUT A PADDLE

Actually had my first day off in nearly 2 weeks yesterday -  promised myself that I would see one of the ‘must-see’ films that everyone has been raving about in Australia - so DA and I had a ‘toss up’ (and no, not that kind of toss either !) between films : Harry Potter, Flightplan, Redeye, King Kong, Pride&Prejudice, Domino, Saw2 or Wolf Creek. WC it was to be. I had heard it was a little gory, but as it had been out a while, and thinking it would soon be ‘off air’ (coupled with the fact there would be ample spreading out room in the theatre) plumped for that one.

The story was based on real-life events set in Northern Territory, Australia. 3 travellers ( 2 of them dreadfully English, 1 Aussie) are doing the old backpacking, driving cross country thing, when their car gives out in the middle of nowhere (ie The Outback). A friendly passerby/ local ‘happens across them’, offers them a free tow and some drinking water. Then before you can say “anyone else care to be drugged, bound and gagged ? Anybody ?” the screen explodes in graphic violence, explicit scenes involving torture, rape and disembowelment the likes yet to be seen by even the most experienced coroner.

Now, I can stomach ’blood & guts’ when it’s all in a good cause - by that I mean when you can be sure that it is a work of fiction (someone’s over-active twisted imagination), that there is always a plausible reason for the blood spillage in relation to the plot AND that the Goody ALWAYS wins out by the end of the movie. However, I was truly sickened by this film (or maybe that was the intention - to provoke a reaction to the insane thought this could truly have been a reality).

 I wanted to vomit. To cry. I toyed with the notion of leaving the cinema altogether.For the first time in 10 years I bit my nails. I lifted my arms to shield my eyes. But I  was compelled to remain, to seek out the resolution, the justice, the sense, the explaination behind the brutality.

The writers cleverly made the characters likeable, young, raw and just like any traveller you may have encountered, open and trusting. As I looked around the cinema I thought how diverse the paying public were and how they must all relate generationally to the characters, in terms of ‘friend’ ‘daughter’ ‘lover’ etc. Clever how we became involved with the victims before we could dismiss the the loss of life on screen as merely ‘a special effect’ or a means to an end of moving along the story. 

I won’t give away the ending - though I certainly would NEVER recommend watching this film unless you had the ability to disconnect yourself totally - but, suffice to say, as with life, there are questions left unanswered.And most of them start with ‘Why…..?’

As the credits rolled and we left the theatre, there was not a sound to be heard from any of us, couples were holding onto each other tightly, one girl was dabbing a tissue to her eyes, turning her head away trying to be inconspicuous.

I spent most of that night in bed trying to get those nasty images out of my head, knowing that through the natural process of sleep I could not avoid confronting all that I wish I hadnt seen. 

I wished that I had gone to work instead.  

Harry Potter and The Droplet of Sperm

well - have just realised after spending an hour (and where does that time go when you ‘hook up’ ?!) trawling thru ‘Random Blogs’ looking for like-minded individuals to ‘pass comment’ with and also thinking how delish it would be to happen across nuggets of gold, pearls of wisdom and maybe a laugh or two thrown into the bargain , that it all was a bit of a sad waste of time.boo hoo.

 ’Bland&Bog all’ was all that I happened across.

Now - before you voodoo doll me into oblivion - I am not under the apprehension that my blog should win accolades (well not at the moment anyway). It is strange. There must be, what, thousands of  (if not tens of thousands or more) bloggers ? Then how do I manage to keep ‘bumping into’ the same sites ? Is there something I am missing ? Is there a ‘bung’ I should have made when joining ? A casting couch I should have been ‘broken in’ on ??? something is not right Darlings !! Possibly there is a Gremlin in my computer - but I don’t think so. Be interested to hear others thoughts on this………..

The point that I wanted to succinctly make - but didn’t - was that I realised you cannot ‘use’ the products of others work as a springboard for your own. The more ‘research’ you do (in the form of Random Blogging, TV, Books, The media etc ) the more disorientated you become with your own ‘Genius’  - you become a viewer, a passive recepticle, a consumer, a follower. It’s time to herd your own sheep bloggers……. you will never find originality if you have to go looking elsewhere for it !!

OH TO BE ARTISTIC AS OPPOSED TO AUTISTIC

So it has been one of those days - feeling as low as a worm’s tit - and everything seems to have a ‘forced’ feel about it today.It has been wet, humid and cold so : Blame the weather? Maybe. But it really would have been nice to curl up and shut away the world that really never wants to listen anyway - but the sound of my own voice GRATED  even me !! All was lacklustre, bland and monotone - whatever came out - I tried non-ordinary words to break it up, words with syllables galore, raising the pitch, accents, twangs, rasping, rythmic breathing and singing my sentances. I still sounded like a whirring, grinding, meat mincing machine that somehow would not switch off and was a public nuisance !!

no ! it’s here, the vortex has come again

spinning you round, twisting your pain

swatted like a fly in absent-minded way

in the briefest of moments but ruining your day

being scooped out hollow theres nothing you can do

but wait for the vortex to do its worst to you

Yahtzee really is a perfect game for whacked-out pot heads at 12:22am

unfortunately the game is not so great for the neighbours in the next unit - when they are playing with a ceramic mug on a glass table top !!! Have just arived home to find the tarot cards akimbo and friends from work pie-eyed and mellowed out, Enigma on the ipod and shrieking ‘Yahtzee!!??’ even when they haven’t even rolled it !!

Trying to play Catch-Up is impossible in the circumstances, so am pretending to write ‘very important assignment’ on the laptop - which is most difficult amidst shouts of “ooh you have 3 fours - go for ya four-of-a-kind” etc. Wondering now how to switch the tv on without being questioned or thought of as anti-social (honestly you can get issued an ASBO round here for that ‘offense’ - i could end up serving time picking up soap in the showers with my teeth or something !).

Will be distraught to the extreme if I find I have missed The Apprentice (I only watch it for the back-combed ginger squirrel that sits on Donald Trumps head - it has more personality than he does). Istill secretly wish they would bring back Prisoner Cell Block H - sometimes i need a good dose of Vinegar Tits to sort me out.

Well s’pose I should ‘look like an animate object’ and offer to put the kettle on - mmmm - but the prospect of sloping off to bed sounds like a good plan - oh, but will have to snaffle it away from pie-eyed person my duvet ! poo poo barney magrew ! well here’s trying……….wish me luck world……….oh and now there is mooching at the front door - suspect neighbour is about to batter it down with large weapon so best go and hide. Well not if it’s the dishy one, I might just have to ‘give him a mouthful he’ll never forget’ in my doorway !!

A Horder does not a good Traveller make  !

Well it’s THAT time of year again. A time when you have to part with money you thought you were doing marvellously well to have saved up all year. To buy people things they don’t want, need - but worst of all - appreciate.  I ALWAYS make the mistake of buying things for people that I adore and would secretly want wrapped up under the tree with my name attached. It almost feels like you own the item - even when it has changed hands - cos you have put that enthusiasm into purchasing it, holding it, taking it home, wrapping it lovingly and ‘knowing’ what a fabulous choice you made !! (So I wont even go into how suicidal you become when you inadvertantly ‘pop round’ their house to find it’s still in it’s box, on top of the wardrobe in the spare room !!??)

Here I am in Perth (Western Australia) eight months in on my travels from the U.K. and finding myself thinking of home at Christmas. Not that I have ever been particularly festive before about it - and I was never truly bothered where at home I spent The Big Day. But now being away from the cold and every person who I have a history with, I am feeling ultra-mardy about the prospect of everybody at home thinking how over-the-moon ecstatic I must be, to be able to get on the beach Xmas day, to have a BBQ or even a cold Christmas Dinner- when really it’s a case of  NEVER being grateful for what you do have when others are envious of your position and class you as ‘lucky’!  They are on the outside looking in. But having to deal with the inside looking out is a nightmare !! They’re the lucky ones !!??

Watching Bridget Jones Diary on TV the other day nearly tipped me over the edge too !! Oh !! I had to keep saying to myself ” It’s a film - England really is NEVER that  quaint, friendly or CLEAN - No there’s only dogshit - not gold- to be found on the pavements of London !!” It’s at this time of year I am at my most vulnerable to HomeSickness - and I have had to mentally chastise myself for leaning towards ANYTHING and EVERYTHING just because it’s British  (I have never liked Hugh Grant, never had cravings for Little Britain or raved on about Walkers crisps so much as I have this past week !!).

But my main issue at the moment  (and there’s no way of avoiding it when you HAVE to go into shops !) is  restraining myself from purchasing pottery, vases, books, cd’s, DVD’s, clothes, toys and a whole array of  gorgeous little knick-knacks all for myself !? There is nowhere to put them when you are destined to be moving on (oh how I WISH i’d come back as a snail in this life). And so all the goodies are off the agenda for me - and most distressing it is too to not have a plethora of fabulousness nestled around me in my darkest hour of need !!!